My dearest LJ,

This morning was difficult, to say the absolute least. We were running a little late, but we picked up your Dad’s parents and met my parents at the chapel for morning mass.

Today’s service touched me deeply. Reverend emphasized that we plan for life to go positively, and we’re not always prepared for failure or disappointment when it hits. You were not a failure, but we were definitely sad that you will never be able to experience the life we had planned out for you. The Potter’s Clay was highlighted – a parable about being able to go back to God, when we’ve been “chipped” and “worn down” from the struggles of life, so that our Creator could mold and restore us.

I definitely feel like a “chipped” piece of clay after enduring this past week. I only got to hold you for a short time before they had to take you away. Sometimes it feels as though I was never pregnant with you for 8.5 months because you’re no longer physically with us. It really hurts because I don’t want to forget you. I know that over time, the “chipped” and imperfect feelings will fade away, as I’m remolded by Our Creator, to accept what has taken place.

I confess that I cried midway through church, but only if someone was paying keen attention could they notice behind my mask. Only 2 weeks ago we were blissfully happy and taking pictures by the lilly pond adjacent to the chapel with you being my baby bump. I felt triggered when I saw a little girl wearing a cute frilly dress and I wondered if I would ever have the joy of actually being a parent.

I was grateful when mass was over because I was hot, thirsty and my mask was wet from tears. After exiting the building, I held your grandma’s hand and walked with her to the lilly pond. She had never noticed this area before. We marvelled at the beauty of the flowers and the life within the pond.

LJ, I know you’re all around us… in all of God’s beauty, and I hope to be remolded in time, to heal and find my inner peace.

Love, Mom